I predict a riot?

A parody on the lyrics to the Kaiser Chiefs song - ‘I Predict a Riot'.
Those of you who don't know the song:
a) won't get it at all
b) should go and get a copy as it's very good
c) really should have better things to do with your time
...................................................

Watching the doctors come for me
Swearing again, oh bloody
It's not my fault I'm so leery
And not that I'm twitching neither
My mouth I wish I could sweeten
Before I get done by a policeman
Then he would teach me a lesson
Ending up in the prison
La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes
I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes

I don't mean to be arsy
I just can't help it, you see
It's not my fault, but fuck me
Not covering myself in glory
Bugger and Twat and Hard-on
Poo, Willy, Bum and Moron
I don't know why I was chosen
It's reprehensible
La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes
I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes
And if there's anybody left in here
That really wants to hear me swear

Call a biker a fairy
Smashes my head in for me
No wonder that I'm so wary
And not comprehensible

La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala
I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes
I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes

And if there's anybody left in here
That really wants to hear me swear

I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes
I call it Tourettes, I call it Tourettes

The best invention ever!

New Scientist magazine recently ran an article on what has to be the best invention ever – it’s a drug that erases memories.

It appears that particularly traumatic events leave a strong memory signature that use of the new drug (whose name escapes me – but really if you want actual facts you’re in the wrong place), reduces. The drug is marketed at people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the hope is that it will reduce the intensity of the memories and help heal people.

Well, excuse me but I think they are really missing the point here. The moment I heard about the drug I wanted it, no more than that, needed it. I don’t have PTSD but there are one or two little incidents I would give a great deal to forget. Pop a pill and FLASH, gone is my entire time at school, drop another and BOOM, that whole regrettable sexual thing that I don’t talk about much (except, you know, when I’m really pissed) is history.

The possibilities seemed endless. People I could forget, places that would vanish from my mind, experiences unwanted removed for ever. Then I thought - hang on, I’m going about this all wrong, I shouldn’t be taking the pill, I should be giving it to other people.

Boys – hard night on the piss? Spewed up on the curtains again? No worries – just pop a pill in the wife’s tea and, hey presto, she’ll forget all about it.

Girls – let slip the truth about size mattering? Screamed the wrong name during orgasm (again)? Don’t worry; a craftily slipped pill will sort things out.

This pill could be the saving of relationships as we know them. No more three day sulks, sleeping on the couch or buying expensive gifts. Just pass your partner a Micky Finn and get on with your day.

And the benefits are not limited to couples, the commercial potential is endless. Just think – you run a bungee-jumping school, you offer a special deal – A free beer for every first time jumper – you push them off the bridge, give them a spiked drink, and sell them another go once they’ve forgotten the experience. Pure brilliance.

I’m sure that there is a potential downside here somewhere but I’m damned if I can see it. So cheers all, and I’ll race you down the chemists.

March of the Penguins

I don’t know if anyone has seen this film yet - I haven’t, but that’s certainly not going to stop me discussing it.

As far as I can gather it’s a currently very popular PG movie about the epic migration of penguins in the Antarctic. All good so far, after all I’m not here to knock the hard working penguins.

However…

The film was advertised on TV the other day and, after showing clips of the cute little penguins slogging through miles of bitter cold snow, it finished with this warning message…

‘WARNING: Contains Scenes of Mild Trauma’.

What? What?

What the hell is that? Do we really have to warn kids about the possibility of mild trauma? I guarantee you the reason the film is successful is because it contains a degree of trauma. Without a bit of hazard and fright a film is just plain boring - and kids know this better than anyone.

If you doubt this fact just look at the film ‘Bambi’. This was not a record braking movie because the little fawn’s mummy lived a long and happy life…

But, being the progressive new age man I am, I’m prepared to get on board with the idea that our kids need to be completely protected from anything that might possibly upset them (thereby preparing them nicely for life in the real world). With this in mind I offer the following warnings for some classic children’s tales:

Cinderella
Contains bullying and ugly people

Hansel and Gretel
Contains attempted cannibalism and child murder

Little Red Riding Hood
Contains cross-dressing and decapitation

The Elves and the Shoemaker
Contains exploitation of Middle Earth labour.

Snow-White and the Seven Dwarves
Contains choking hazard

The Three Little Pigs
Contains breaking and entering, vandalism and threatening behaviour.

Black Beauty
Contains scenes of inter-racial sex (…actually this might not have been a kid’s movie…)

Robbie Williams and the Spiders from Mars

A woman has recently been given a restraining order that prevents her coming within a mile of Robbie Williams. The judge imposed the order after the woman repeatedly stalked Robbie in the belief that she alone could protect him from attacks by alien beings.

Damn, I wish I’d thought of that.

I would love to have a restraining order that prevents me from going anywhere near Robbie Williams.
Hmmmm…I wonder if there is some way I can make it illegal for me to ever hear one of his songs again?

Anyway this is simply the best news I’ve had in weeks, the only way that I think it could be better is if the woman is actually proved right and the aliens really do come and take him away (again).

Thank God for Health & Safety

I was shopping in John Lewis the other day, (I know - how very middle class), and was blessed with the opportunity to witness health and safety at its finest.

The down escalator was broken i.e. it was not moving. In addition to the large sign informing us of this fact, there was also a shop assistant standing at the top telling everybody that the escalator wasn't working. I went past this poor woman several times during the long hours that I spent in town (did I mention I was shopping with my wife?) and each time she dutifully informed me that the escalator was not working.

What did they think would happen when people encountered a broken escalator? Did they think we would all just stand on the top step waiting for it to move, getting all tangled up with each other?

Guess what? An escalator that doesn't move - is a staircase. Surely to God, we can all still use one of those without the help of the health & safety police!